What Haven’t You Told Me?

What vital element of business communication is the most forgotten?

Discovering what hasn’t been said.

Marianne, Jamshid, Johanna, and Dave are participants in a project retrospective for the CRM system.

Lan, the retrospective leader, asks the group to brainstorm the question, “What problems did you experience working with your clients during the project.”

Rather than asking the participants to define problems, Lan asked them to write elements of the problems on a separate post-it note.

He gave the group ample time to generate many elements.

Lan asked them to pick the three elements that were the biggest problems for them personally. He went round-robin through the participants asking each person to post their top three elements on a common white board and explain each element to the other participants.

After all the participants posted and explained elements of problems the had had with clients, Lan asked them to pick the two most important elements from their remaining post-its. He repeated the round-robin posting and explaining. He asked them to pick one of their remaining elements. He repeated the round robin.

There are now 24 elements on the board. You might think that the most important problem elements are on the board. Don’t bet on it!

In this case, a client named Leonard was an alcoholic. He was having an affair with the head of their department. His behavior varied from abusive to overly friendly.

Not a single person posted a problem element mentioning Leonard.

Lan had done his homework and knew about Leonard so he asked, “What problems has this group carefully avoided mentioning?”

Lan didn’t say another word. Johanna looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an automobile. 5 seconds passed.  Jamshid was looking down at the carpet. …10 seconds. Johanna looked from person to person. …20 seconds. Dave looked out the door. …30 seconds. Marianne said, “That’s enough! There was a big problem with a client named Leonard.

That’s when everyone came clean about Leonard and some other problems that might never have been mentioned.

Why did the group come clean? Although they were reluctant, they ultimately felt safe telling Lan. They trusted him with the information. Don’t underestimate the importance of safety for hearing what hasn’t been said. For information about measuring safety in groups, see my article Safety Check.

The question, “What haven’t you told me?” is as valid with an individual as a group. It’s a powerful question for more effective communication.