Saying No

One week before the application you have been working on is to be delivered, your client asks you to make a small change to a drop down menu. He knows there isn’t time to process the change through change management so he asks you to bypass it. You try to reason with him that a last minute change is a bad idea. But he insists the change is important to the business and it would mean a lot to him personally. You want to please him so you say yes.

Do you have a pattern of saying yes to requests when you would like to say no? What’s the secret to saying no and making it stick?

The secret is practice.

People who are uncomfortable saying yes but say it anyway are stuck in the familiar. Practice created the familiarity. They have repeatedly stuffed their feelings and said yes when they would have liked to have said no.

It doesn’t have to be this way. Communication is a skill. By practicing anyone can become familiar with saying no and enjoy the comfort of acting on your thoughts and feelings, which you have learned to repress.

Let’s assume you have this problem of saying yes rather than saying no, which is what you want to say.

I suggest the following steps:

First, center yourself.

Put yourself in the process: Explore your thoughts and feeling about the issue. Use them to decide whether saying no is the appropriate answer. If it is, continue with the next steps. Otherwise, say yes and mean it.

Second, sincerely empathize with the other person’s desires.

For instance, for the client who wants you to bypass the change management system, find out what the client sees as the benefit of taking that action. Empathize by saying, "Making that change would make it easier for Jane to navigate through the new use case." or whatever fits the situation.

Third, say no without equivocation.

For instance, say to the client, "No, I won’t change the application without using the change management system."

Fourth, don’t explain why you said no. It’s non-negotiable.

For instance, if you followed the no in the example in step 3 with an explanation about why change management is important. You are opening an opportunity for the client to argue that the benefits to the business and themselves trump the benefits of the change management system. Don’t offer the person any hope of you changing your mind. That action will make your no stick.

Fifth, repeat the steps 2 through 4 to whatever objections you hear.

People like to negotiate. You can listen and empathize. But stay on message. It won’t take long for the other person to realize it’s a non-negotiable answer. 

Expect difficulties with your delivery the first dozen times you say no. You will be in unfamiliar territory. Ask a friend to role play the situation with you so you can practice your delivery.

Expect that your delivery may sound blaming as you overcompensate for your earlier placating communication. Don’t worry. It’s part of the change process. Your communication will become congruent as you gain more skill at saying no.

Expect people who know you to be surprised when you say no. It’s something they haven’t heard from you. You are behaving differently. They will be unfamiliar with the new you. They will adapt to the new you and so will you.

You can learn to say no. Practice. Develop this skill and discover an unexpected benefit — when you say yes, that answer will have more meaning than it did before.