A high signal to noise ratio will help you have an effective conversation.
I have noticed that the words “I don’t disagree” (IDD) reduces the signal to noise ratio of a conversation.
What does IDD mean? What do I recommend if you are in the habit of saying IDD? What do I recommend if you hear someone say IDD?
Logically it seems like it means I agree —
- Disagree means have a different opinion
- Thus I don’t disagree transforms to I don’t have a different
opinion - I don’t have a different opinion is logically equivalent to I have the same opinion
- I have the same opinion is logically equivalent to I agree
- Therefore, I don’t disagree is logically equivalent to I agree
Although I don’t disagree (IDD) is logically equivalent to I agree, does its meaning reflect the intended meaning of the person who said IDD? No, in my experience, IDD rarely means I agree.
For instance, a colleague, Jason, responded, “I don’t disagree.” seven times to conjectures made by his colleagues during a meeting yesterday. On the eighth instance, when he said IDD loudly in response to my conjecture, I ask him, “Does IDD mean that you agree with me?”
I watched him carefully: He hesitated. His eyes looked up to the ceiling then down to the ground. Eventually he looked at me and softly said, “No, not really.” “What did you mean by IDD?”, I ask inquisitively. He paused for several seconds. He stared at the ground and then slowly looked up and replied, “I said IDD to prevent any arguments so I could talk.” “Wow, thank you for the honesty.”, I heard myself say.
After the meeting, Jason told me he wanted to share his own conjecture without sharing his opinion about my conjecture. For him, IDD was like executing a No Operation (NOP) command on the processor of some computers. This machine instruction takes one cycle to process but it doesn’t change the state of the machine. In other words, it does nothing.
There are situations where consuming a processor cycle but doing nothing has value: NOP can be use to solve timing issues with connected components. But people don’t say IDD to solve a timing issue. It creates ambiguity and, unlike a NOP, it changes the state of the conversation. The changes IDD create isn’t signal but rather they are noise.
If you are in the habit of saying IDD, I suggest rethinking whether those words effectively communicate your desired meaning. If you want the floor, skip the IDD and say what is on your mind. If you hear others say IDD repeatedly, when it is said to you, ask the person, “Does that mean you agree with me?” I think you will discover it means something much different than, “I agree.”
Wow! Great article!
I only recently started using IDD in conversations after my son started using it a lot online. It definitely does not mean “I agree.”
I use “I agree” when I actually agree with what someone is saying. I use “I don’t disagree” when they are stating an opinion that requires a response. If I don’t have a strong opinion either way, yet I think their opinion has some merit, I might say “I don’t disagree.” I don’t disagree because I am not well versed in the subject or people they are talking about, but I can’t really say that I agree either.
It is indeed ambiguous, but it does allow a conversation to continue without committing yourself or causing conflict.
What I am really saying is “Your idea/opinion has merit, and you have expressed yourself well, and you may be correct, but I will reserve judgment at this time.”
Hi Bart, Thank you for your comment.
Rather than hearing “IDD,” if we were having a discussion, I would much prefer hearing “Your idea/opinion has merit, and you have expressed yourself well, and you may be correct, but I will reserve judgment at this time.” That statement denotes and connotes something more valuable to me than IDD ever will.
I love the article and agree completely with it. When I hear that phase I stop the conversation immediately and ask the person to clarify their position. It’s always fun to watch them try to express what they really feel. Lets stop this phase…it’s very poor grammar and does not express ideas and thoughts well.
Thank you for the feedback, Danny. I completely agree with you.
Personally, I like the phrase. I use it when I want to be non-committal or express (deliberate) ambiguity or uncertainty – or jsut to avoid being disagreeable.
I also like Groucho Marx’s humorous construction: “I can’t say I don’t disagree.” The double negative forces people to stop and think through the meaning. They usually smile/laugh when they realize what you mean.
Thank you for the feedback, Todd. I like the idea of a saying something that makes people pause and think deeper. I think there are better communication approaches for doing that than using double negatives. I know for sure there are for people trying to have me think deeper.
‘I don’t disagree’ is not logically equivalent to ‘I agree.’ Disagree implies an opposing, not just different stance.
I actually think people use it more as a filler as opposed to outright saying “I disagree.” From my experience, they are saying they disagree, but this is a way of discussing that is not “yelling” at the other person. If they really did agree with the person, they would just say they agree and there would not be a back and forth anyway…
I think there is a generational disconnect at the hearing of IDD. Those of us of a more elderly position breeze past the IDD statement assuming an affirmative response to our statements. Your article opens a world of possibilities that need closer attention in the course of communication with those who employ what appears to be a double negative to make an affirming statement. Thank you.